Matters of the heart that ends or faces infidelity are an age-old problem. Great sagas had been written to express the pain, loss, and betrayal such events cause. The situation is, however, very complicated and painful. This story is written to help the reader identify and commiserate with individuals going through the same situation and share the results of scientific data that sheds light on why some people cheat.
Series of Events
Exhaustion drags hard on her body as Adeline removes her luggage from the back of the taxi. Generously tipping the driver for his late-night service, she heads into her apartment building. Her conference had ended early, so she decided to head home rather than stay another night. She missed her husband, Henry, terribly and wanted to surprise him. He had been complaining lately as her workload increased that they no longer had time for each other, and that afternoon she felt the impact of it, longing to return to him.
Gently opening the door, Adeline places her bag at the entrance. The call of Henry’s name dies on her lips before it can be formed by the sight of a bright red coat hanging over her favorite cream sofa. Frowning, she goes to pick it up. A floral, citrus scent assaults her senses, and she halts as dread pools in her body. ‘No,’ she thinks as the laden quality of her body confirms what her mind does not want to accept.
Henry had said that he was lonely and felt unappreciated, but this? No, he wouldn’t, would he? Of its own volition, her body moves towards their bedroom. At the door, she halts again as a distinctly female voice huskily chuckles. Ice freezes her veins as she recognizes the chuckle the voice belongs to. Unable to stop the shudder that passes through her body as goosebumps spread over the expanse of her back and neck, she utters a tiny grasp.
Her, really, her? Was his ego in need of such coddling that it had to be her? Frantically she glances around their apartment for any other possible clue. Emptied-out beer bottles, anything really. He has to be drunk, right? Making this choice, knowing how it would break her, has to come from some impaired judgment. Her sister, he cannot be having an affair with her sister…
Research and Acceptance
Adeline opens her laptop with a frustrated growl for what feels like the hundredth time that day. It’s been a week since she found her husband and sister in bed together. Unable to focus on much, she had been on leave from work but would need to return in two days. Her friend had suggested she join a support group that helps one deal with infidelity in a relationship. The group recommended that she read some articles on why people cheat.
Understanding the reason is supposed to help towards acceptance and, in some cases, even forgiveness, with the basis of understanding lying in science. The unsureness of not wanting to forgive yet, but wanting to understand why Henry would do this (without speaking to him) had been warring in her head all day. These uneasy feelings had caused her to open and shut her laptop so much that Adeline was sure the laptop’s hinges would break before she had her answer. Rolling her shoulders with resolute determination (she did not want to buy a new laptop), she clicked on the link the support group had sent.
The article, published in the Journal of Sex Research, stated a title that made Adeline pause.
“Motivations for Extradyadic Infidelity Revisited”
What was “Extradyadic”?
After some searches that proved a bit useless, Adeline concluded that “Dyadic” would refer to the interaction between two people, and extradyadic would then mean beyond the scope of two people. Shaking her head in puzzlement, Adeline concluded that the word’s exact meaning would not truly change her feelings on the matter.
Reading on Adeline saw that the research was based on an internet questionnaire 495 individuals had completed. They also admitted to “self-reporting” their infidelities. Wry Adeline wondered if it would have been better if Henry had told her himself and not her finding him naked in bed with her sister. It probably would have been less traumatic, and she would still have the crystal vase she broke, throwing it at Henry’s head. His reflexes had stopped her from drawing blood; Adeline had been quite disappointed at that fact, where his agility had initially attracted her to him.
Drawing herself back, Adeline sipped her coffee again and continued her perusal of the article. Signing softly to herself, she was able to conclude that:
Some of the top reasons people cheated were:
- Neglect from their current partners
- To boost their self-esteem
- Intoxication
Clicking on the second link, Adeline relaxed a bit in her seat. At least she was able to understand this one’s title:
“Betrayals in Emerging Adulthood: A Developmental Perspective of Infidelity”
This study was done on 104 individuals, with 59% indicating that they had cheated and 40% indicating more than one reason. One of the most prominent reasons was the following: Not having their interdependent needs met by their partner
Those indicating alternative responses to interdependent needs showed:
- The influence of alcohol on their system when given the opportunity to be unfaithful
- The attraction to an infidelity partner
- And the novelty and excitement of the idea of being unfaithful.
Conclusion
Falling listlessly back on the couch, Adeline gave another slight growl of frustration. Even though all these reasons made sense, as much as hurting your partner could ever make sense to her, Adeline had to conclude that some of them could be valid. She had been working a lot and had been neglecting Henry. Henry had always been a person that needed love and attention, and she had always been willing to give it to him. She had been regularly putting her career first, the last year.
Although she knew she was not to blame, Henry made his own choices; she was no longer under the impression that her behavior did not influence him. Concluding that she at least owed him the opportunity to state his case, Adeline picked up her cell phone and made the most challenging call of her life. Henry answered on the second ring, and Adeline whispered: “I am ready to talk now.”
