We have all heard the phrase, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” How much weight does the phrase carry, and should it be a factor that influences how we choose prospective new partners? This story delves into the complex societal expectations regarding serial cheaters and how much their history influences their future behavior.
So They Cheated Once Before
Bethany rubbed her eyes and signed with exhaustion before closing her laptop. Standing up and rolling her shoulders, she yawned before stretching her languid limbs. She has been busy for hours, re-coding the algorithm they use to match potential partners in their dating service. She knew that her partners would probably have a problem with the new adjustments and what possible fallout it could create. Still, her determination to make the changes remained firm.
Being trusted to help people find love and a potential life partner was work that Bethany took very seriously. Her recent encounter with a client’s disappointment made her more determined to see if there was no way to safeguard people from others who had very little respect for fidelity in a relationship. She remembered her first encounter with Taylor and how her first boyfriend cheated on her and wanted to make sure she dated someone she could trust. She signed again as she remembered Taylor’s tear-stained face, crying about Daniel having cheated. Something had snagged in her memory as she listened to Taylor’s cries and struggled to understand why anyone would step out on someone else as beautiful and kind as Taylor.
Bethany had spoken to Craig, their male consultant who had done Daniel’s intake and confirmed what she had suspected. Daniel had admitted to Craig that he had cheated but regretted it. It was not against their company policy to deny cheaters a chance to meet someone. Still, Bethany wanted stricter guidelines to protect the clients who date people who have cheated.
What Are The Odds?
Emilia smiled as she walked into Bethany’s office and closed the door. Raising her eyebrows, Bethany cocked her head to the side and took off her glasses. She had anticipated this fight as soon as she informed the partners of her adjustments.
“No need to look so glum. I want to learn more about your plans and why we have to change our algorithm just because one client got cheated on.” Emilia said with a placating tone before sliding comfortably into the seat across from Bethany. The two women were on good terms and always respected the other’s opinions. Bethany was sure they would have sent Evander, who handled conflict like a bulldozer, simply running roughshod over the other person until they bent to his will. They, however, sent Emilia, who was more like a surgeon, making small and precise cuts until she got to the root of the problem.
Not wanting a fight but knowing she would not just kick Emilia out of her office as she quickly would have done with Evander, Bethany opted for the truth.
“Allison cheated on Charles again.”
“Your brother?” Emilia asked, frowning slightly. At Bethany’s slight nod, she continued. “What does that have to do with Taylor and Daniel?”
“It got me thinking if there was a pattern, and a truth to the whole, ‘If they cheated once, they would cheat again’ mantra, we might be able to protect our clients from it.”
“Two cheaters do not warrant a change to our whole algorithm, not to mention the fallout if we start branding people as cheaters on a dating app.”
“It’s not just two people; I did some research and found a study online published by the University of Denver and how infidelity in a previous relationship can be a risk factor in new relationships. Not just the people who cheat, but also those cheated on.” Bethany said as she pulled up the information and turned her laptop so Emilia could have a look.
“You know I would be unable to make heads or tails from that. Just summarize it for me.” Emilia says with a small grin.
Rolling her eyes at Emilia, Bethany turns the screen back and runs through it again before answering.
“The study was conducted on 484 people in mixed gender relationships…”
“Wait, that many people were cheating in the study?” Emilia interrupted.
“No,” Bethany answered in expiration. ‘And stop interrupting me.”
“So dramatic,” Emilia answered with a cocky half-grin. At Bethany’s pointed stare, she chuckled. “Please continue.”
Narrowing her eyes at Emilia, Bethany took a deep breath and turned back to the laptop.
“As I was saying, 484 people were involved in the study. After following the people for five years, the study found that those that cheated in the initial relationship were three times more likely to cheat in their next relationship. In comparison, those cheated on were four times more likely to suspect that their partner was cheating on them, even if they had no confirmation that the first partner cheated on them.
“So they were subconsciously more attuned to suspect that their partners were cheating even if they did not know for sure that the first one had?” Emilia asked.
“Yes, they were, and those that knew for sure that they had been cheated upon were twice as likely to say that their next partner cheated on them as well.”
What to Do With The Information?
“As fascinating as that is,” Emilia said while shaking her head. “It does not mean that we can out people as cheaters.”
“That is not what the algorithm does. It only ensures that someone who has been cheated on is not matched with someone who has cheated before. See it as just trying to reduce the odds.
Taylor was always suspicious of Daniel cheating on her. I am not saying that it made him cheat, but perhaps if he was given a chance without suspicion, he might not have.”
“You have no proof of that,” Emilia says, still unconvinced.
“You’re right. I don’t. But matching people to date is all about odds, just as dating is. Perhaps if we can reduce the risk of our clients feeling like their partners might not be true to them only, we can reduce the risk of those that have cheated before actually cheating again.”
“Anyone can change for the right reasons.” Emilia softly murmurs.
“I am not saying that is impossible. I am saying it might be easier to change if someone is not suspecting you the whole time. And perhaps someone that has been so hurt that they always suspect the other person can learn to trust when they are with someone that has never given anyone a reason to doubt.”
“Let me think about it.” Emilia finally concludes before she stands up.
“That’s all I ask.”
