We all have been in a situation where we felt we were being misunderstood and neglected. It is easy to feel that way when our emotions are high. But we have all also, hopefully, had that one person that could always make us feel at ease and ready to open up about our pain and struggles. So what is the difference between the two? The simple answer is empathy. The long answer is this story.
Undeniable Pain
Julie breathed in through her nose and slowly exhaled as she jogged around the corner. Although she had her earphones in, no music was playing. It had been distracting when the purpose of her run had not been to exercise but rather to get her head clear.
The rhythmic slap of her running shoes on the pavement had been her only companion these last three miles after she stopped the music. The noise of the passing cars and pedestrians was vague and hollow in her ears due to the earphones, but Julie found that she liked feeling alone at this particular time.
Biting back the tears that formed as she recalled her and Markus’s last fight, she stopped underneath the vast willow tree just off the country road she had turned on. Hands on her hips, she walked in small circles, trying to regulate her emotions and breathing.
She felt like she was losing him and had no idea how to stop it from happening. They had been at odds the last couple of months. Stress had been a huge factor for both of them. Julie’s mother was ill and needed extra help in her home, tapping into Julie’s time and their financial resources. This caused them to fight.
Neither seemed to be able to meet the other halfway, and every fight felt like it ended in a shouting match. Julie sniffed softly, wiping the tears from her eyes before starting down the road again. She knew that Markus felt like she was neglecting their relationship but could not understand why he could not see that her mother needed her help. Her feet seemed to know where her heart needed to go as she turned into a smaller country lane. Her best friend, Emily, lived on a small farm down the road, and Julie followed it to her driveway.
Win The Battle, But Lose The War
Turning around after closing the gate, Julie saw Emily already on the porch, waiting for her with a concerned expression on her face. Face crumbling; she speeds into her best friend’s commiserating arms. After Julie sobbed her heart out, they went inside to make some tea, and Julie explained to Emily about the last fight.
“It sounds like neither of you feels understood and taking your frustration out on each other,” Emily said with an empathetic twist of her mouth while watching the chickens cluck about the yard through the window.
“I know. I just can’t get through to him. Family is important to me, I have to help, but he keeps acting like it is too much. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Julie replied with sagging shoulders as she hugged the steaming mug closer.
“Have you tried asking him why he feels you are doing too much for your Mom?”
“Why would the reason he feels that way matter? It’s family; you don’t abandon family!” Julie cried out, irritation and annoyance clear on her face.
“Because,” Emily said as she reached over and touched Julie’s arm, “You used to tell me how Markus is a nice guy, how comfortable you feel around him, and how much effort he puts into seeing that all your needs are met. And from what I learned about him in the last two years, he has never struck me as selfish or inconsiderate.
I know that you are hurting, but I think you might be giving him ulterior motivations for his actions that do not exist. He might have a good reason for it; you don’t know it yet, because you are trying to win the fight and not resolve it.” Emily said in a soft voice, compassion shining in her eyes.
“I… How do you do that? How do you take my side and point out the flaws all at the same time?”
Empathy: Listen to Learn
Emily laughs and shakes her head fondly at her friend. “I have years of experience with empathy. You know my husband has been in a wheelchair since his accident four years ago. He has frustrations and annoyances, I can never fully grasp his struggles and pain, but if I listen to understand the problem, I can commiserate. It helps if you try to acknowledge his feelings, it makes him feel that you want to understand his feelings and creates a safe space where you can share in the future without judgment.”
“So, how do I do that?” Julie asks, perplexed.
“Well, research shows that it is best to create an environment where both parties feel safe. A neutral setting would be good. For my husband, I normally speak to him in his study because I want him to feel like he is in control of the situation. He feels embarrassed to talk about his struggles as his brother died in the same accident, so he feels that he should only be grateful and not resentful of his situation.
It makes him feel safe and comfortable to share when we are in his study. But if the situation is different, and it is a problem I am having that is not related to him closing off because of his trauma, I would suggest something like the living room or kitchen, where neither of you feels threatened or dominated so a space that is not a designated domain for anyone.”
“Ok, that feels doable.” Julie nodded her agreement.
“I would also recommend that you set up some ground rules beforehand. No name-calling or deciding what the other person feels and thinks unless, specifically, they say so. If you are unsure about his motivations, ask him directly and do not interrupt him while he talks. Allow him to finish, even if you disagree with what he is saying. With that in mind, divide the time you are talking about it into three. The first third is for him, the second third is for you, and the last third is where you discuss possible solutions that suit both of your needs.”
“It sounds complicated.”
“Not really, it just takes practice. If you both respect each other, you can resolve this. You must remember that men and women differ in more than just physical attributes. We think and feel differently as well, which is fine. It just needs to be communicated in a non-threatening or judgmental way. All of us have scars of the past that influence how we react to our present, but if you can understand where he is coming from, it might make you realize why he feels so strongly about this.”
“I guess I can try.”
Later that night, Emily got a message from Julie. It was a voice note explaining how they had talked and that Markus had been angry because he felt that Julie’s family was taking advantage of her goodness. Julie’s mother had requested new towels and bedding on top of the medical equipment that Julie had paid for, which made Markus feel that the financial burden was not equally shared between Julie and her siblings.
Markus and Julie had dipped into their savings for the wedding to pay for all of this. Markus had not minded the medical equipment as it was necessary, but the rest were nice-to-have items that could have happened at a later stage or shared between Julie and her brothers. Emily smiled at her phone before replying: “A little bit of empathy goes a long way.”
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