Social Media and online research have led to much more information regarding marriage being available at our fingertips. But how much of this information is accurate and correct? We are bombarded by statistics that say 50% of marriages end in divorce. More and more younger generations are opting out of marriages and changing how we are used to “normal” relationships. So is it worth it to not only get married but stay married? Let’s dive in and see what science says.
Post Honeymoon Phase
Cara signed as she once again closed all the kitchen cabinet doors that had been standing open since her husband, Phil, packed out the dishwasher. In their three years of marriage, she has not been able to get him to understand that closing the doors is something she values. The only thing they had done lately was fight, and she was in no mood for another shouting match. Biting her tongue, she decides to go for a run rather than say anything.
Taking the baby monitor off the counter, she heads to the study to hand it to Phil. He is playing on his computer with his headphones on, and Cara clenches her jaw to not snap at him while trying to get his attention. When he finally removes his headphones, she hands him the monitor. He looks at her cautiously, picking up the tension in her face and shoulders.
“I am going for a run. Devon is asleep,” she says, trying to sound bland but failing miserably, irritation making her voice rough.
“Is everything OK?” Phil asks tentatively.
“Yes, I just need to get out of the house.”
“OK, sure,” he answers, still looking apprehensive. “We must leave for your Mom’s house in an hour.”
“I’ll be back in time,” she replies shortly before turning on her heel and walking out.
Sitting at the kitchen table, Cara watches her mother, Leslie, and Grandmother, Georgina, puttering in the kitchen. The car ride over had been uncomfortable, with Phil glancing at her ever so often and Cara trying to avoid his gaze. She had gotten home after her run to find that neither Phil nor Devon was ready to leave, and she had to finish getting Devon, her five-month-old, ready in between trying to shower and dressing. Seeing her grandmother glance at her for the second time in two minutes, Cara raises her eyebrows in question.
“Is everything fine between you and Phil, dear?” Georgina asks in her calm way.
“Yes, Umma,” Cara answers, trying to look away.
“You sure? You look livid, and Phil looks like he is afraid to breathe.”
“It’s fine. The honeymoon phase is just over, so it’s a bit rocky. We will work it out.” she finishes, not looking directly at the Grandmother.
“Those first couple of years are the hardest, love,” Leslie interjects from the side, seeing the look on her daughter’s face.
It’s Difficult, So What Now?
“It is?” Cara asks, her brow furrowed in confusion. “I thought it was supposed to be the best?”
Both her Grandmother and mother laugh and look at each other, shaking their heads.
“No, dear, it gets better with time, but those first couple of years, especially if there are children, can be quite difficult to manage.” her Grandmother says sagely.
“Oh yes.” Cara’s mother nods in agreement. “I thought your father and I would kill each other those first eight years or so. It differs from couple to couple, but it took us a while to get used to how each other did things.”
“I did not know that. You always seem so happy.”
“Oh, we never fought in front of you kids, Love, but that does not mean we did not fight. Perhaps that was a mistake. Perhaps if you saw us disagreeing, you would not be so expectant that everything should always be perfect.” Leslie muses and looks at Georgina.
“That’s a topic for another day, dear.” Georgiana smiles softly at her daughter before turning to Cara.
“What are the two of you fighting about?” she asks Cara with a concerned frown.
“Small things, not closing the cupboards when he is done packing things away, helping out with Devon, whose turn it was to take out the trash, all those types of things. Phil also complains that he feels left out when I care for Devon, but I scarcely have time between work and looking after the baby.” Cara finished in defense.
“All those things can harm your relationship, but it sounds like you might have another underlying issue,” Georgina says, looking at Leslie for confirmation.
“What issue?” Cara asks, confused. “The issue is that Phil cannot do anything I ask of him.”
“No, dear, I think you’ll find that Phil is doing what he always did, but you two are feeling disconnected and fighting more. It might also be that you both are only noticing what the other doesn’t do instead of focusing on what they do.
Conflict Resolution
“So, how do we fix that?” Cara asks, close to tears. She doesn’t want to keep fighting, and even if she is annoyed with Phil, she is sure that he does not want to either.
“More intimate time together, dear,” Georgina answers simply.
Cara blinks at her Grandmother before blushing bright red. “Your answer is more sex?” Cara asks with utter indignation. How is she supposed to feel in the mood for sex when they are always fighting?
Laughing at the look on Cara’s face, Georgina shakes her head.
“No, sweetling, intimate time does not involve only sex, but spending time together, doing things that you love, and above all else, communicating. When you are more in touch with the other person’s thoughts and feelings, you are less likely to be annoyed at the small things. The more time you spend discussing how you are affected by something, without blaming the other person, the fewer fights you will have.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense.” Cara answers. Looking back, they usually had a very happy relationship and did many activities together, but that declined after they had Devon.
“We can try that,” she says, nodding her head in agreement.
“It takes work, Love, but it is well worth it. Your Dad and I are the happiest we have ever been at 20 years of marriage, and your Grandmother says the same at 45 years. Nothing compares to knowing someone intimately and sharing much of your life with that special someone.”
